the biggest heartache...the greatest release

the loss of my childhood best friend and family dog: Sophie. 

My favorite name. 

I can't say it enough, though it breaks my heart to hear it. I hear Sophie and I think of those eyes. The sweetest, kindest eyes you could ever be blessed to look upon. And she always looked back. So unafraid, so available. 

God I learned so much from Sophie. I'm sobbing as I write this. And that feels good too. So rarely do I let myself make sad noises. I only afford myself space for laughter...because that's a noise other people like. But now I'm sobbing. Just letting it erupt from my chest...i'm letting it curl my spine. 

i hear sophie panting in the other room, but I know she's not here. at least in body. oh my god. 

oh my god. 

she'll never pee on my carpet again. 

i'll never get to clean it up...ever again. 

i loved feeding her in the morning. 

I just made her some homemade treats because she deserves it. 

They're made of:

rolled oats

cubed apple

raisins

almond slivers

peanut butter 

honey 

cinnamon 

oh my god, i wish i could just feed her handfuls of that weird granola i made forever. just that. i just want her to eat out of my hand again, forever and always. i just want that sweet tickle to course through my forearms and calves as she laps up the delicacy from my eager palm. she's so sweet. so grateful. 

i wont let that part of her die. i can't. she gave it to me. 

in her last days...which i didn't realize were her last until today...i could've sworn she was winking at me from time to time. 

If her left eye winked that meant: don't worry, Maya. 

And when the right eye winked, i thought that meant: You're right. 

I think this because I had a thought once that Sophie carried my paternal grandfather's-- Doug's-- spirit. And Sophie was present in our family to help us, but particularly there to help my dad grow into being a dad. because my dad's dad died when my dad was only 19...my dad's greatest heartache is knowing that his dad will never meet me. in this life. 

i wanna tell dad, that his dad did get to know me...because he lived on in sophie. 

i had that thought, while high with tears in my eyes, and I looked up out of fear that I had somehow, cosmically, manifested a truth so vast that my fate would be to drown in its veracity. But i didn't drown...I didn't summon some destructive force. 

I looked up to see Sophie winking. Right eye. 

i keep thinking: how could she have been SO happy, just SO full of joy, when she was born into so much pain. she was the "runt" of her litter. she's a purebred chocolate lab. my parents bought her from a breeder. Sophie has a little tuft of hair that sticks out of her tail, kind of like a flame moving away from it's wick. and that little flame, for some crazy reason, made sophie less desirable in the eyes of the breeder. she was a little smaller than all the others, born with bad hips, and a tuft of hair jutting out of her tail to announce her presence. 

my dad chose her. 

immediately bonded with her. she leapt out of the litter to find my dad. 

i gotta tell you more about this dog. 

but first i'm gonna kill a bowl for her. she took cbd daily. and was liable to inhale any roach, loose flower, or ashed bowl you might have left lying around. god that dog is a chiller. forever, 'til the end. 

My mom and brother are headed over to the vet now, to say goodbye. Divorce sometimes means saying goodbye in shifts. 

Actually, that only marginally has to do with my parents' divorce...More accurately, my mom was in session when my dad called her. And she just needed some time to reshuffle her appointments for the day. And my brother lives with her for now. So, they're gonna go together. My dad and I live a block away and we're gonna go right after them. We're not going right now because I need more time. More time to listen to this Talking Heads song, and for me to eat my popcorn (breakfast, weird i know, but Sophie loves popcorn) and then I'll be more ready to pet her goodbye. I don't want to cry in front of her. I'm scared. I'm scared she'll be scared. 

But i know i'm just projecting. she's so much wiser than i. 

she knows. i think she's known for a while...she's been insistent about sitting at/on my feet. the best feeling in the world, having your pet of 14 years put all their weight on your foot/ankle. just a little soul hug. a caress just to say, "hey i love you, guy." 

god damn it. she really is the best. i'm sorry i don't wanna come between you and your dog, nor do i want to disrespect your relationship with YOUR dog, but. 

y'all ain't got a dog like i got. like this dog. 

oh i read that book...i'm realizing just now. "about that dog" or about a dog or something like that...

book of poems

cute, great even 

Love That Dog 

i think that's it. 

Well, god damn it. I love that dog. she's my dog forever. I still have a dog, actually. I'm not gonna stop saying I have a dog. When small dogs jump on my legs in the elevator, I'll keep saying, "Aw, you probably smell My dog, don't you? Don't you?" Because I got Sophie on me, in me...idk me and that dog on each other like white on rice idk what else to tell you. 

We stuck together. She ain't goin' nowhere. Finally, her body can be freed of all this pain she's been living with, and we've been doing our best to help her cope with. No more coping, Sophie! Holy shit! Doesn't that sound SO GOOD! That's what i craved so much earlier this year...when I ignored you and locked myself away in my room so much...when i cried alone like i used to do back at our old house. Remember that house sophie? You used to be so naughty and steal shit out of trashcans and then BOLT to your stoop on the landing of the stairs. Good, God you were so mischievous. The way you bounded up those stairs...you would've never thunk you had hip dysplasia. Or two previously torn acls. 

yeah given sophie's track record, you would think the bitch was a track all-star, but nah. she just had some funky genes in her. you know, purebred shit. haha, no shade, sophie! you can't help being bred, i'm gonna check my politics at the door. 'cause you always did with me. you were always so forgiving, and generous, and just available...in a way i think i am...but i know i'm really not. which is why i love you so much, you inspire me to keep caring. and you cared for me so much 

all those times i spent crying alone 

you never came to my side in those times...like dogs do in movies

and i always appreciated that 

but when I came to You, you accepted. you would look up at me. God see, that's why you're so nice, so much better than me. 

I don't know how to be so open like that all the time. I get scared of things. Things that remind me of me...that remind me of what I oughta be and all the ways I skrrr away from those standards despite my best attempts. You never strove...you just ran...up the stairs...down the hall...in circles when there were fireworks going off outside...you just did you. 

I'm gonna remember that. But for me now. You were simply the baddest bitch. Thank you so much for showing me your ways. I'm gonna follow in your paw prints. I'm gonna live your legacy everyday. And people reading this on my blog, Sophie, are probably gonna be like, "wow this girl really modellin' her life after a damn dog..." But the gag is, YES. I strive to be like you sophie. Actually, nah, that's fucked from the jump. I'm just you. No striving. Nah, as of today I'm just gonna run everywhere I go. Not because I'm in a hurry-- you never were--, but because I'm so fucking excited. You gave me that Sophie. An enduring zeal for all this fuckery. For the hip pain, for the cysts, the eye problems, the divorces, the moving, the fights, the yelling, the avoidant and ambivalent attachment styles, for the healthy attachment styles, for the younger siblings, for the athletic older siblings, for the dog food and the occassional yummy scrap. I'm gonna run towards it all because it's all so. god. damn. exciting. 

OH MY GOD THANK YOU SOPHIE 

OH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU 

GOD, I LOVE THAT DOG. THANK YOU FOR SENDING HER MY WAY. SHE'S COMIN' BACK NOW...AFTER 14 BEAUTIFUL YEARS. I WAS MAD AT YOU FOR CALLING HER HOME, BUT IT'S OK. I'M NOT MAD ANYMORE. BECAUSE I'VE BEEN MAD. AND SO SO SAD. AND IT'S HURT ME. AND I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE. I DON'T NEED IT. AND I DON'T NEED TO KEEP SOPHIE ANYMORE. YOU'LL WATCH HER NOW. THANK YOU. 

SOPHIE. SOPIIIIII DAS MY SOPI GIRL, YESH SHE IS. OHHHH YESH YESH YESH. DAS MY BESS GIRL! WHO'S MY BEST GIRRR, OH IT'S MISS SOPI!! 

SOPI, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN. I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU. NO MORE PAIN!!!! JUST RUNNING! WITH! OTHER! DOGS! HALLELU! 

I LOVE YOU SOPHIE. 

AMEN. 

sweet dreams baby, i love you. 

i'll see you in the morning. 

oh, and don't worry about your treats. i'm gonna eat 'em.